It’s one of the most heart-wrenching experiences a new mother can face. You hold your baby close, full of love and longing to nourish them at your breast… but they turn away, cry, push, or simply won’t latch. This is heart wrenching and hurts deep in the soul.
If this is your story, I want you to pause for a moment and breathe.
This is not your failure. And it is not your baby’s either. It is simply a signal—a gentle flag—that something in the mother’s & baby’s system is seeking help.
When a baby refuses to latch, we often jump quickly to solutions: change positions, try a nipple shield, pump and bottle-feed. These can be helpful tools for survival. But sometimes, in the rush to solve, we miss the flags of what the unit of mother & baby are actually communicating.
Baby’s basic competency is Knowing How to Feed because this is hardwired… unless Sometimes, Something Gets in the Way – Relational, Mechanical or Functional
A newborn is born with deep-rooted instincts & primitive reflexes. The movements of their hands, the bobbing of their head, the breast crawl, the rhythmic motions of their tongue and jaw—these are all part of an coherence between mother and child, designed to work in harmony. When that coherence is disrupted, it’s rarely because the baby “doesn’t want to breastfeed.” Rather, it’s often because the baby can’t—not comfortably, not yet.
What Might Be Happening?
The roots of latch refusal can be often layered. Sometimes, the journey into this world is more intense than we realize. A birth that involved interventions, separations, or even just the sheer intensity of the passage through the birth canal can leave behind birth imprints. The baby’s system might be in a state of overwhelm or disorganization.
In other instances, there might be physical discomfort. Tension in the jaw, neck, shoulders or pelvic; a tongue that isn’t moving freely; or a head that prefers to turn one way but not the other. These small observations often hold big clues.
At times, it’s the emotional environment. A mother in distress, anxious, guilty and inadequate as a mother or in pain, or feeling unheard might find her baby mirroring her inner state—not out of defiance, but because they are deeply bio-physiologically connected.
Seeing With Gentle Eyes
In my work, I have learned to see the baby not as a passive participant in feeding, but as an intelligent, sensing being, doing their best to navigate their new world of mother body as their habitat. And the mother’s breast & her body is not just a source of nutrition, but a place of safety, of connection, of regulation.
When we begin to explore gently, listen deeply, and hold space for what the baby (and mother) are experiencing, we often find the root of the challenge. Sometimes it’s a subtle shift in how the baby is held, sometimes a release of tension held deep in their body, sometimes a deep breath of relief from the mother that resets the rhythm.
What Can Help?
- Skin-to-skin time: Not as a technique, but as a quiet reconnection. Let your baby rest on your chest, feel your heartbeat, and return to the familiar rhythm.
- Observing patterns: Notice your baby’s movements. Do they prefer one side? Do they seem frustrated trying to suck? These small signs can guide deeper understanding of the wisdom of the body holding an inertial pattern.
- Gentle bodywork: Therapies like Sensing Baby Massage, Biodynamic Craniosacral Therapy can help release restrictions in the baby’s body that may be interfering with suckling.
- Emotional holding: Sometimes, simply having someone truly hear your story, validate your struggle, and walk with you can create the safety needed for both mother and baby to find their rhythm again.
Trust the Process
Latching is more than just baby’s mouth on breast. It is a relationship—of trust, of biology, of instinct, of mechanics, of physiology. When we approach it with respect and curiosity, rather than urgency and judgment, we often find that both mother and baby know the way… they just need a little support to get there. The quality of support is sometimes nuanced, deep and highly skilled.
You are not alone. There is wisdom in your baby. There is wisdom in your body. Skilled support can make all the difference. Next post will be about what qualifies for SKILLED SUPPORT.
