Parenting is often perceived as a natural outcome of the parent–child bond, rooted in instinct and guided by love. While the instinct to care is indeed biologically ingrained (Hrdy, 2009), contemporary research and clinical observation consistently demonstrate that instinct and love alone are insufficient in supporting optimal child development. What requires cultivation is the skill of how love is expressed in daily interactions (Siegel & Bryson, 2016).
As I noted in a recent Outlook Magazine feature written by Lalita Iyer, love alone is not enough, because how to express love is not natural — it is a skill that must be consciously developed.
The article is here if you wish to read more https://www.outlookindia.com/national/is-too-much-parenting-talk-getting-in-the-way-of-parenting
Love Without Skill
Parents frequently describe the painful gap between their inner love for their children and the way that love is experienced by the child. A mother may adore her child but rely on harsh correction, believing strictness equals love. A father may be deeply devoted but communicate only through silence or withdrawal. In such instances, the child does not perceive love as safety, but as judgment or rejection.
Children do not feel the intentions behind parental love; they register its expression through language, tone, and embodied presence. When the expression of love is inconsistent, confusing, or misaligned with the child’s needs, it can generate relational wounds despite the parent’s positive intentions (Schore, 2019).
The Myth of Instinct
Parental instinct is often romanticised. While evolutionary biology confirms that caregiving behaviours are embedded in our species’ survival (Feldman, 2015), the “how” of parenting is shaped largely by cultural norms, intergenerational transmission of behaviour, and personal history. What parents often mistake for instinct is, in fact, lived conditioned response.
For example, a parent raised with punitive discipline may instinctively respond to a child’s protest with threat or withdrawal. Such reactions may feel natural but are not necessarily grounded in developmental truth. Neuroscience confirms that children’s nervous systems require attuned regulation rather than punitive correction to build resilience and secure attachment (Porges, 2011; Schore, 2019).
Thus, instinct ensures the desire to care; skill or nurture science ensures that care is expressed in ways that foster secure, emotionally healthy relationships.
When Parents Begin to Learn
The turning point for many parents occurs when they reframe parenting as a skill and nurture science rather than an innate capacity. It has always been heartening to see so many parents In my programs & workshops, who often arrive burdened by guilt, equating mistakes with failure. When they recognise instead that parenting requires practice, reflection, and refinement; much like any professional or artistic endeavour, the sense of inadequacy begins to dissolve.
Research also supports this shift. Programs that emphasise parent education, reflective listening, and repair of ruptures are strongly correlated with improved child emotional regulation and parental self-efficacy (Furlong et al., 2012; Siegel & Bryson, 2016). Parents who view themselves as learners, rather than performers, create more adaptive family systems.
One father in the Heartmindful Communication Workshop shared: “I thought being a good parent meant never making mistakes. Now I see being a good parent means repairing when I get it wrong.” His willingness to model repair softened his relationship with his daughter, showing her that love is resilient, not fragile.
What Really Helps Parents
Over years of facilitation, I have found five interlinked skills that consistently transform the parent–child dynamic included my own (My own parenting struggled has been the impedes to my research):
- Acknowledgment – Validating a child’s feelings without immediate dismissal or correction. Recognition is foundational to emotional regulation (Tronick, 2007).
The Qur’an teaches: “Do not repel the one who asks” (Qur’an 93:10), while in the Bible, “Let the little children come to me” (Matthew 19:14). Both honour acknowledgment as love in action. - Natural Boundaries – Creating safe, predictable limits that support autonomy within structure. Boundaries foster security, not fear (Kochanska et al., 2004). Scripture frames them as protection: “Do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in discipline” (The Bible, Ephesians 6:4). The Qur’an calls us to balance: “Thus We have made you a community of moderation” (Qur’an 2:143). The Gita also praises moderation: “Yoga is not for one who eats too much or eats too little, who sleeps too much or sleeps too little” (6.16), reminding us that balance and limits are vital to growth.
- Empathy & Heartmindful Communication – Engaging in communication that combines attuned listening with respectful response. Empathy has been shown to predict stronger attachment outcomes (Decety & Cowell, 2014).
The Qur’an praises gentleness: “Had you been harsh, they would have dispersed from around you” (Qur’an 3:159). Proverbs echoes: “A gentle answer turns away wrath” (15:1). Krishna tells Arjuna, “Speak words which are truthful, pleasant, and beneficial, and which do not agitate others” (17.15); a perfect reflection of empathy in communication. - Making Amends – Normalising repair after relational ruptures. Children who witness parental apology internalise resilience and flexibility (Schore, 2019). The Prophet Mohammed ﷺ taught: “The strong is not the one who overpowers others, but the one who controls himself when angry” (Bukhari, Muslim). The Bible in James 5:16 similarly advises: “Confess your faults…that you may be healed.” Krishna reminds us that humility is a divine quality: “Humility, non-violence, forgiveness, and uprightness…these are the qualities born of a godly nature” (Bhagwat Gita:16.1). Making amends is therefore both strength and virtue.
- Discernment – Pausing to align responses with reflective choice rather than impulse. This mirrors the “mindful pause” shown in cognitive–emotional regulation research to reduce reactivity (Siegel, 2010). The Qur’an instructs: “If a troublemaker brings you news, verify it lest you harm people in ignorance” (Qur’an 49:6). Proverbs teaches: “The prudent give thought to their steps” (14:15). The Gita centres discernment as viveka (wisdom): “One who sees inaction in action and action in inaction, is intelligent among men” (Bhagwat Gita:4.18). Parenting requires exactly this, the wisdom to pause and perceive truth beyond immediate impulses.
These practices are not “quick fixes.” They are lifelong disciplines that cultivate mutual respect, reduce relational conflict, and strengthen trust. They help parents move from an unskilled expression of love to an intentional, truth-aligned practice of care.
This comes alive in one of my interactions with a parent – Consider Anita (name changed), a mother who approached me overwhelmed by guilt. Despite her deep love for her son, most evenings ended in shouting over meals and bedtime. She lamented, “He only sees my anger, not my love.”
Through learning acknowledgment and boundary-setting, Anita shifted her approach. One evening, instead of snapping, she simply named her son’s resistance: “You don’t feel like eating right now, do you?” To her surprise, her son softened and leaned into her lap. Over time, meals became less of a battle and more of a connection.
Her instinctive love had never been absent. What had been missing was the skill to translate that love into expressions her child could understand.
The Noise vs. the Learning
This raises the broader cultural question: is too much parenting talk obstructing parenting itself? It is true that excessive, conflicting advice can overwhelm already stressed parents, leading to paralysis and guilt.
However, research indicates that guided reflection and skill-based education significantly enhance parenting competence (Sanders et al., 2014). The problem is not “too much talk,” but rather the quality of discourse. When parenting discussions focus on prescriptive “shoulds,” they create noise. When they emphasise reflective skill-building, they generate growth.
Thus, the task is not to silence the conversation but to refine it, ensuring parents are equipped with both instinctive care and the conscious skills required to express it effectively.
Parental love is real, powerful, and instinctive. But children thrive not simply on the presence of love, but on its skillful expression. Parenting, therefore, is less about perfection and more about practice; less about loving more, and more about learning how to love better.
Love alone is not enough, because how to express love is not natural — it is a skill we must consciously develop.
For parents wishing to begin cultivating these skills, our Heart-Mindful Communication workshop offers a structured pathway to transform instinctive love into practical, daily connection.
References
- Decety, J., & Cowell, J. M. (2014). Friends or foes: Is empathy necessary for moral behavior? Perspectives on Psychological Science, 9(5), 525–537.
- Feldman, R. (2015). The adaptive human parental brain: Implications for children’s social development. Trends in Neurosciences, 38(6), 387–399.
- Furlong, M., McGilloway, S., Bywater, T., Hutchings, J., Smith, S. M., & Donnelly, M. (2012). Behavioural and cognitive-behavioural group-based parenting programmes for early-onset conduct problems in children aged 3–12 years. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews, (2).
- Hrdy, S. B. (2009). Mothers and others: The evolutionary origins of mutual understanding. Harvard University Press.
- Kochanska, G., Aksan, N., & Joy, M. E. (2004). Children’s fearfulness as a moderator of parenting in early socialization: Two longitudinal studies. Developmental Psychology, 40(4), 740–753.
- Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton.
- Sanders, M. R., Kirby, J. N., Tellegen, C. L., & Day, J. J. (2014). The Triple P–Positive Parenting Program: A systematic review and meta-analysis of a multi-level system of parenting support. Clinical Psychology Review, 34(4), 337–357.
- Schore, A. N. (2019). Right brain psychotherapy. Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology. W. W. Norton.
- Siegel, D. J. (2010). The mindful therapist: A clinician’s guide to mindsight and neural integration. W. W. Norton.
- Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2016). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Random House.
- Tronick, E. Z. (2007). The neurobehavioral and social-emotional development of infants and children. W. W. Norton.